All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
