By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
