I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
