i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
