Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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