He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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