connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
