IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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