i can't believe i had my finger in that
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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