Screwed.edu
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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