I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize