They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
