Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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