I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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