I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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