I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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