I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
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its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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