Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
