my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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