we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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