My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You ruined the universe
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
