she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
