I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
