Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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