I'm gonna have a badass scar
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I will be naked everywhere
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
