You smell like a Billy Joel song
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
