Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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