our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
