i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My ass is underappreciated
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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