id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
try to milk me bitch
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