Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
