Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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