I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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