Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
