I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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