:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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