I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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