Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I love you.
Bad choice
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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