Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
