I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
