Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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