apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
