Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
