Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
