Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
