I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
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Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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