We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
