I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
