I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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