You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
