Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
