I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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