His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
