It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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