do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
