Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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